The Program: Solutions

But I don't think of you that way

Okay, so you've heard the line "I think of you as a great, great friend" way too many times...why? And what do you do about it?

Well, at the risk of being violently warm and fuzzy, you've taken a good first step in trying to solve your problem by realizing that you have a problem.

If you meet lots of men who "don't think of you that way," there are several possibilities:

• They don't find you physically attractive.
• They don't find you personally attractive.
• They may be really shy or socially inept.
• They think of you as "one of the guys."
• They think of you as a therapist.
• You may be mono-focused and missing what's in front of you.

He doesn't find you physically attractive

Just because you find someone attractive doesn't mean that the reverse is also true. If he seems to enjoy talking to you and spending time with you, but isn't making a move, that's probably the case. On the other hand he probably doesn't find you specifically unattractive otherwise he wouldn't want to spend time with you.

I'll be working on this topic more as time permits.

He doesn't find you personally attractive

If he seems interested physically, but never does anything about it, it may be that he likes you well enough and find you attractive but there's some aspect of your personality that really sets him on edge.

I went on a date a while back with and attractive, nice, fun woman... who insisted on arguing about something every 15-20 minutes on our date. I never asked her on a second date. I have another friend who is attractive but militant in most of her beliefs. No thanks.

He may be really shy or socially inept

Maybe he doesn't know how to ask you out. Maybe he's afraid of scaring you. If you think that's the case send him on over to NiceGuys.Org.

He thinks of you as "one of the guys"

Is there a reason he thinks that? Most men don't want some useless little wallflower, but on the other hand they don't want to date someone more masculine than they are. Oftentimes women who are thought of as one of the guys don't act feminine. This isn't saying you should become a princess and wear little-girl sundresses to work, but take a little care in your appearance, wear clothes that fit and possibly a little make-up.

Oh, and your mom was right — stand up straight.

I'll be working on this topic more as time permits.

He thinks of you as a therapist

There's a simple test to determine if your friends are friends or clients: are they there for you when you've been hurt? If yes, they're probably friends, if not, they're clients. If they're clients, unless you're going to be a therapist, and are being paid 90 dollars per 50-minute hour as a professional therapist, dump them out of your life and don't waste your energy on them. Why would you want that grief?

Open your eyes and look around

It is perfectly normal for women (and men) to find one person and focus all of their attentions on that person. Wrong, but normal. The downside of doing this is that you may not see what's right in front of you — or maybe a little to the left or right.

It is my opinion that there is no single person who is going to be the absolute best person for you. Almost every positive attribute has some trade-off. Someone who's really smart may get just a touch nasty when being funny and sarcastic. Someone who's really nice may be a bit passive-aggressive when things don't go their way.

If you keep yourself open to possibilities, you improve your chances.

The second part of dealing with this problem is taking a look at your values and beliefs. Assuming (Note: I am making assumptions here) that you're not trying to "date out of your league" by dating someone who's better looking, smarter, richer, etc.

What to do next? One of those annoying little exercises like you find in those irritating self-help books. Exercise 1: Go get a pen and paper and take five minutes and write down the things you don't like about yourself. Come back when you're done.

I said, "Go get a pen and paper and take five minutes and write down the things you don't like about yourself." I don't like these stupid exercises either, but there is a reason that so many books (and professional therapists) use them. Now then, assuming that you've actually done that, exercises two and three: take five minutes and write down the things you like about yourself but could make better and then the things you like about yourself and don't need work.

Guess what's next. Yup. That's right. Your next goal is to work on the items on lists one and two, and, if possible, list three. Once again, forget about the inner-beauty garbage, we're trying to get dates here.

Thoughts?