The Program: Solutions

You meet men that you're interested in, they're interested in you, but they end up thinking of you as "a great, great" friend.

If you're making it to the third or fourth date, it's possible that you're doing everything right you just haven't found the right person for you. Yet.

I had an email discussion with a NiceGirl friend of mine on the subject:

Let's say each person finds about 10% of the opposite sex population "interesting." That seems to me to be about the average degree of pickiness. This would mean that if you are in a group of 100 men and 100 women (all heterosexual, one assumes), 10 will be interested in you, you will be interested in 10, and you will find mutual interest with only one.

Some people recommend upping your chances by seeking out people with similar interests. Others, such as John Gray, recommend seeking out someone different from you because they believe opposites attract. But I think that chemistry is so unpredictable that it might as well be random.

Also, beyond basic health, hygiene, and respect for others, anything you do to make yourself more attractive could irritate some people. Believe it or not, I've actually been turned off by men who seemed too handsome, too smooth, too well-dressed, or too financially successful (I like men who are more relaxed and balanced). And some men have been turned off by what I feel are some of my best qualities.

And then there's the issue of communicating interest and sensing interest from others. There's much potential for misunderstanding. It can be pretty darned confusing.

Putting Out

Another possibility is that the guy is thinking of you as a friend because you're not "putting out" at all. I'm not talking sex (though that would count) but just any behavior that is not merely "friendly." Even hugs that last too long count.

For some guys.

At the risk of generalizing, in many cases, women are better "integrated" and balanced than men. Women have spectrums, men have compartments. Women talk about "ecru" and "seafoam" while men see the world around them in 16 colors like the old Windows default.

Women have men they're sort of dating. Men have women friends and women who are girlfriends. If you're not a girlfriend, then you're just a friend.

Final Thought

If you're not making it to the first date, check out "But I don't think of you that way."